If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. Neil Peart
Life is full of choices? but how can one choose between the moon and the sun, the land and the sky or even Mickey and Minnie? Some things are meant to be together and are only complete as one. Just like mum and dad.
I was 15 when my parents finally decided to let go of their marriage. My mum and dad made a choice to end a pledge they made to each other so many years ago. I guess my sisters and I saw it coming with all the bickering and quarrelling they had. The divorce didn?t really come as a surprise as my parents were separated since I was young and my mum was very open with us about the condition of their relationship, but it still hurts. It hurts when I had to decide between the two people I love so much. I had to choose who I wanted to live with. However, it wasn?t much of a choice as the condition of the divorce was that the children live with my dad. I supposed they had to make sure my sisters and I understood the choice they made for us.
... My parents were seperated ...
... It hurts ...
I had to choose who I wanted to live with.
Nothing tore my heart apart more than when my parents shared with me. My mum always said I was mature and understanding. She told me she could share things with me that she couldn?t tell my younger sisters. Although I loved to hear my parents talk about life and love the time they spent with me, in the midst of their sharing they would sometimes grumble and unconsciously criticize each other. It was bad enough to hear rotten things about the people you loved; I had to listen but could say nothing in their defense. I was so confused and couldn?t understand why this was happening.
In my sadness I have often thought of running away from home. Perhaps, I thought; if I ran far enough I wouldn?t have to choose. Perhaps, if I go somewhere else the problems will just go away. But I had no one to go to?no friend I could trust, no boyfriend to comfort me, only my sisters to share the pain with. Then there were times in my anguish I wanted to die. I couldn?t figure out the purpose of living so why not just end it. I had nothing to lose after all. It?s not like there was this special purpose I was put on earth for nor did I have a mission to fulfill. Maybe there is someone looking out for me from above in spite of everything. You see, I didn?t have the guts to slit my wrists no matter how many times I took the kitchen knife to my room. I didn?t really want to die because at the back of my head, I can hear the voices of my Sunday school teacher telling me Jesus loves me.
|... running away from home ... |
... no friend I could trust, no boyfriend to comfort me ...
I wanted to live, if at least one person still loved me. But I doubted if anyone could love me. I met a wonderful young man who simply adored me. However, our relationship was stifled by my inability to accept his love. I was constantly questioning his feelings for me and I was terribly afraid that he would stop loving me one day. The relationship did end and in my eyes, I was so unworthy and insignificant. All this changed when I began to learn more about Jesus. One daAy, I went to this rally where the pastor talked about love. His message plunged the depths of my heart and I knew I finally found someone who wanted me just as I am. All my bruises didn?t matter to Him, all the hurts won?t stop him from loving me and all my pain He will soothe. I found life.
And I chose to live!! I chose to follow Jesus that day.
By Michele Tan